Think your partner might be lying or gaslighting you? Would you like to know the difference and learn how to identify possible gaslighting in your relationships?
My name is Melody, I’m a counsellor and I specialise in helping people identify and recover from toxic relationships and I would like to take a minute to teach you about gaslighting and how to recognise when someone might be doing it to you.
Does your partner/parent/friend/boss repeatedly say these things to you?
- ‘That didn’t happen’
- ‘You’re wrong about that’
- ‘You’re always making stuff up’
- ‘I never said that’
- ‘I never did that’
- ‘You are the one with the problem’
- ‘You’re feelings aren’t normal’
- ‘You need to learn to communicate better’
- ‘It’s always something with you’
- ‘Why are you being so defensive’
- ‘I don’t have time for your games’
- ‘You won’t be able to do that’
- ‘Get over it’
- ‘You should be over it by now’
- ‘You’re too sensitive’
- ‘It didn’t happen that way’
- ‘You are remembering it wrong’
- Constantly second guess yourself?
- Think you might be too sensitive?
- Feel like you are going crazy?
- Have trouble making decisions?
- Feel like you cant do anything right?
- Frequently make excuses for your partners/parents behaviour?
- Have the sense that you used to be more confident, relaxed, a different person?
- Think twice before starting a seemingly innocent conversation?
- Feel like your vulnerabilities are used against you?
- Often argue about who’s right or wrong?
- Feel like you are apologizing all the time?
- Know something is wrong in your relationship but you can’t put your finger on it?
Maybe you’ve approached your partner, friend, parent or boss, and tried to have a discussion with them. But somehow, instead of discussing the original issue, you end up talking about something else or being told that you are too sensitive and that you are to blame for the problem. Before you know it you are so preoccupied with defending yourself that you have forgotten what you were even talking about. It seems to have all turned around and you are the one apologizing and defending yourself and wishing you had never said anything in the first place.
They storm off leaving you standing there wondering what on earth just happened. You feel stupid, embarrassed, confused, wondering if you are going crazy, and you decide never to pursue the subject again.
Well guess what, you have just been gaslighted!
So what is gaslighting?
Simply put: gaslighting is anything a person says or does that makes you doubt your own memories, judgement or reality, forcing you to second guess yourself and your choices. When questioned or confronted, a gaslighter will deny that something happened and tell you that you are overreacting, imagining things and are confused, even if you are sure something did happen and you feel you have the right to be upset. And it is all done as a means of gaining influence and control over you so you eventually doubt yourself to the point that you cannot rely on your own perspective or the truth of your own experience.
The term gaslighting comes from a 1940’s film called Gas Light, in which a scheming husband plots to get rid of his wife by convincing her she is losing her mind and belongs in an asylum. He makes subtle changes in the home like hiding things, moving things around and dimming the lights, but tells her that she is the one doing these things and that she must be going crazy if she doesn’t remember doing it. Over time her husband breaks her spirit and she starts to believe him. She ends up thinking what her husband wants her to think, and she feels confused, powerless, and no longer able to trust her own reality or judgement.
Not all gaslighting is extreme like in the film, but it happens more often than you think and especially in a relationship with someone that is controlling and manipulative. Some people might gaslight simply because they are running late or they are feeling lazy and it gets them out of a sticky situation. Or it could be a partner or parent trying to convince you that the way they treat you is not abusive.
It can be as subtle as someone telling you that you are being too sensitive, or that you are not capable of doing something successfully. But make no mistake, gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that controlling people use to stay in control, get what they want and to meet their needs. Once an abusive person has broken someones ability to trust their own perceptions, they are more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.
‘The script for this tactic is simple: when you’re confronted on something you know will expose you for the unsavoury character you are, act offended and hurt, appear unshaken and resolute, and question the very sanity of your accuser. Its a simple but often highly effective script’. Dr George Simon
What’s the difference between lying and gaslighting?
Lying and gaslighting are very similar but once you learn the signs of gaslighting you will soon be able to spot the difference.
A person lies by making false statements, denying the truth or saying something that isn’t true, usually to cover up something they’ve done or avoid getting in trouble.
Gaslighting is also denying the truth, but it is different because it’s done to deliberately confuse the other person, gain control, flipping and shifting the blame onto them and making them doubt the truth and their perception of events, and distracting them so they don’t pursue the matter any further.
Say for example you were running late meeting a friend for coffee. To lie you might say: ‘The traffic was bad’ ‘I had to take a phone call’ ‘I couldn’t find a parking space’.
A gaslighter might say: ‘I’m sure you said 2pm and not 1pm’ ‘I think you gave me the wrong time’ ‘Maybe your memory isn’t what it was’ ‘You keep getting things wrong’.
So basically, gaslighting is about flipping, attacking, confusing and blaming, but lying doesn’t involve attack or blame.
Let me give you an example:
A wife decides to confront her husband about his debts but he doesn’t want to be confronted or found out. He has an angry outburst and storms off, leaving his wife hurt, confused, and distracted with trying to defend herself.
Wife: ‘Some money has been taken out of our savings account, was it you?’
Husband: ‘What! I never did that! You must have read the bank statement wrong. You’re always doing that. I can’t trust you to do anything right, especially when it comes to money. And why would I need the money! I work everyday to look after you and the kids and that’s the thanks I get. It was probably you that spent the money, like that time you bought that dress that makes you look fat. Well clearly I cant trust you with our accounts anymore, so I will look after them from now on. Or maybe I should just leave if you don’t trust me’.
Wife: ‘You have to mention that dress every time don’t you! You know I’m sensitive about my weight. I’m sorry, of course I trust you. Please don’t leave me. I guess you’re right, I probably did make a mistake like last time. You’re probably right, maybe you should look after our bank accounts from now on’.
Conclusion: The husband has managed to gaslight his wife by changing the subject, distracting her with his outburst and insults and accusations, and by saying that she is the one in the wrong. The wife stops questioning him about the money because she is too preoccupied with thinking about the hurtful things he said and wondering if she did make a mistake when reading the bank statements. She concludes that she was in the wrong and she must have made a mistake.
Some people do this in order to make their partner weak and reliant on them: if someone is being told they are wrong, crazy, and irrational all the time and that they are incompetent and can’t be trusted, they will start to believe it and they will doubt they have the ability to look after themselves and their children, and this will lead to a downward spiral where their only choice is to let their partner have full control over their life.
What can you do about it?
Learn more and educate yourself about gaslighting and other manipulative behaviours so you can recognize it and start to react differently, which will change the outcome of the interactions, and you can even start to heal from the abuse. Reconnect with your gut instinct and intuition and listen to your inner voice so you can start to rely on what you say and how you feel about situations.
Respond by saying things like ‘I think this conversation has gone far enough’ ‘I don’t want to continue this argument’ ‘I don’t like the way I’m feeling right now and I’m not willing to continue this conversation’ ‘I feel like you’re putting me down’.
Write a journal so you can keep track of conversations and events. Talk to trusted friends. Spend time with people that treat you well.
We don’t always recognize the signs even though we know we might be feeling uneasy or confused. Acknowledging the problem, seeking help, educating yourself and keeping good boundaries is the best way to have a healthy relationship.
There are plenty of resources and options for people seeking help or support including helplines, books, online support, blogs, Youtube videos, and counselling. Connect with your support networks and people you trust to make sure you are getting the emotional support you need. If you feel unsafe or in danger in your relationship, it is important to get help and support. It is your life and you deserve to be happy. Do whatever you need to do to make positive changes in your life, and seek professional help if you need to.
How can I help?
Has this article been helpful to you? Do you recognize any of the signs of gaslighting in your life or relationships? Do you think you might be in a relationship with a controlling, manipulative person? The solution is not to try and change them or even change yourself, but to recognize the signs and learn how to protect yourself from manipulative people and toxic relationships.
I am a counsellor and I specialize in toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse. I can work with you if you would like to explore these issues and find the way forward.
Check out my website, call or email me and let’s talk about it.